Back in junior high there were a few times where I poured out the depths of my entire being in utterly passionate prayers in which I pleaded with God to let me take on all the suffering of the world so that I might spare others the pain. I even decided that I'd go to hell myself to save others from having to do so. Well that's not what I'm claiming to have gotten here, but it's close! lol What I did ask for, not quite as passionately but still with fierce determination and ferocious conviction, was that God do away with my Self life so that I might live, selflessly, entirely for Him and by serving others as much as I'd ever be capable. I told Him that I wanted to be prepared for these great works of service no matter how much pain and agony I'd face in the preparation, nor how much I might beg to be relieved from that pain.

Well, one major aspect of this preparation, (and quite possibly the largest step in it,) is my own humbling. Let me let you in on a little of how proud I used to be in days gone by: I thought I was second only to Jesus, that my intelligence was about equal to Albert Einstein's, every night for maybe two years or more I would feel my flat stomach and be very proud of it, and every morning for maybe the same length of time I'd, just before showering, when standing naked in front of the mirror, I'd admire my trim and beautiful body greatly. I thought I was "the cat's meow."

You know what God's gone and done about all that unruly and obnoxious pride?? He's killed it. Or at least, He's been killing it. How? By showing to me my shame, destroying my health, and consequently destroying my mental facility. I've been put to shame and so know more of how VERY unlike Jesus I truly am, my mental capabilities are so limited now that for a few weeks I was afraid I'd have to stop driving entirely, in my new job I'm making what potentially would be very costly mistakes all the time, (about one for every hour,) I'm fat(ish), and my stomach, partly from fat but maybe mostly from unmoving poo, protrudes a very great distance, which makes all but loose clothing nearly un-wearable. My body, my mind and my sense of superiority have all been made mince meat out of; I am being undone.

I also asked God all those years ago to help me know what it's like to truly be sick, to be able to fully understand and therefore help better those with emotional turmoil, and as well to better understand those with true mental limitations. I've been blessed with getting these petitioned things as well.

I will not conclude with the clique, "be careful what you wish for- you just may get it," and I will not do that because it's a good thing to want something that's good. I was right all those years ago to ask that these lessons continue no matter how I wail and complain while learning them; they are most definitely worth it, despite it all.