As other things have been revealed through the influence of my marriage, yesterday's sounds of Vu's mom's piercingly angry voice uncovered fears I have within me, and in a startling way.

To give some background I must remind my readers of how when I was little, in fact, up until I was four, I witnessed my father being violent towards my mother. In particular I remember an incident where, after they were separated and "us kids" were visiting our dad, he got angry when my mom said it was time for us to go. He was yelling at her in front of us, she was yelling back, and I got up and put myself in between them with my hands out, telling them not to fight and to stop. I was FOUR. The memory ended just as my dad pushed my mother hard into a phone on the wall, when I was thus forced out of being in between them. My mother finished the story for me when I was older saying that the phone got knocked off the wall from her being shoved into it, that my dad then yelled at her and blamed her for "breaking the phone," threw her into a doorknob which very much bruised up her eye socket, and then intentionally bent a finger of her backwards so far it broke. He went to jail for that, and I remember visiting him there, but I blanked that part of the story out, and have no idea what else I witnessed that I don't remember.

And furthermore, my sister was very violent towards me in my youth, picked it up again after a few years' break in my preteens, and continued it up until I think high school. She would burst into my room, or charge me elsewhere, and just attack me. Her fingernails, which she dug into and dragged across my skin, many times caused parallel lines of slightly bleeding red. Other times I had bruises, once which were finger-shaped and lined my formerly squeezed shut trachea, but most of the time it was my hair-hidden scalp that was injured by the relentless and very harsh pulling of my hair. So much to speak of.

Not only all that, but as many of you know, I was sexually molested in second grade, felt over-powered by a neighbor boy who had a crush on me when we were quite young, and then was forcefully kissed by a very old perv across the street from my mother's when I was in junior high. And as well, my whole family was extremely dysfunctional growing up, and there were endless and horribly loud yelling arguments, slamming of doors, holes made in walls, clothes torn off, faces slapped, knives and nailed boards pulled, and when I was young wooden stirring spoons used to spank really hard on naked flesh from a red-faced, very large woman who was furious and thundered after you holding that dreaded cooking utensil high. I still look on those with some feelings of unpleasantness to this day!

So that's the pertinent history to this story of resurfacing fears. As I was saying earlier and further elaborated on in my last note, Vu's mother was nearly shrieking with anger yesterday and early this morning, and as I was hearing this I was struck with thoughts of her charging at me with wild eyes and attacking me feverishly. I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I also couldn't help thinking of blood, gore, and complete vulnerability and helplessness. I was entirely aware that it was only a noise, that there were no signs of her being violent towards a person, and that she hadn't been upset with me in a while. But those reasonings didn't help my automatic reaction. I felt like hurrying into the bedroom and locking the door just to feel safer.

I was surprised at this strong reaction to something so small, and it made me aware for the first time in my life of my ingrained fear of violence towards me. Frankly, and please don't take this in the wrong way, but it also reminded me of how when Vu and I were engaged I feared, for no good reason, that he'd force himself on me. I STRESS, he was an angel, but my former sexual abuse came forward and caused that unfounded fear. When I realized all this a few hours ago I was struck with how scarred I am. I knew I was in horrible emotional shape from all I've been through at the hands of others, but new layers of it keep getting exposed to the light, and I'm shocked at how deep it goes.

The human need for positive emotions and a sense of safety is vital to our well-being. And I guess that I don't have that... or at least very much of it at all.