Let me start by saying that, except for not being able to sleep hardly at all lately 'cause my mind's been reeling, I've been feeling a TON better lately! :D To illustrate: I was royally sucking at bowling last summer and fall, (couldn't even break 100,) but just three days ago I won two games getting up to, I think, 120-some, and also threw two doubles. The third game my lack of sleep was catching up and I again didn't break 100. I've had a lot more energy, can focus and concentrate, have more motivation to do things, (more energy helps with that!) was happier, (struggling now,) dealt with stress better, (struggling now,) and was even desirous of taking on challenges. My lack of sleep lately has been negating some of those symptoms of health, but it's only temporary I'm sure.

Anyway, with that said, all but the last two days I worked I was pretty sick and couldn't focus, concentrate, remember things, deal with challenges and stress, was melancholy, tired with blood-shot eyes... and because of all that I made a million mistakes a day, messing up billing, phone procedure, some scheduling, entered info, interactions with patients, etc. A month or so ago I even offered to leave, telling my boss I feared I was incapable of working, period. But she said I just needed more practice and to work on stuff like remembering, and that she believed in me even if I didn't. Well, after three months of causing more work for her than I was helping her, and our nearly opposite personalities, though we got along and generally liked each other, causing a little friction, she handed me my last paycheck. I didn't blame her, though was hopeful I'd improve since I've been feeling better.

Nevertheless, I've been so stressed out because of the endless multitude of mistakes I was making that when she told me I no longer had a job there I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders. I had kinda wanted to be a secretary or receptionist since I was little, and in many other ways that job was a real good fit for me, but God used it to break me even further still. I've been getting afraid that this intense training from Him will never end and I'll always feel like I'm drowning.

I've been feeling more incapable than ever and in a very real sense. In this past half year I've been incapable of: having energy, feeling happy, handling stress, doing things like grocery shopping, driving, keeping up on cleaning, growing a baby, holding a job, etc. And I'm still trying to heal emotionally and psychologically from all the rest of my life. More and more scars keep showing themselves. Being married, (and sort of away from my family,) has been helping reveal them, and that's the first step to healing, so that's good though it hurts.

Anyway, this is just more of the painful training I had prayed for so long ago. And really, as soon as He lets up for a break I still ask for more, and for it to be more intense. I need it, but the pain can be nearly unbearable.

And what's next? I may be healthier now, but what struggle and what humiliation awaits me around the corner? It scares me.